[21 Feb 2005|09:39am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | the walkmen - revenge wears no wristwatch ] I finally got some nerve up to join ED communities and I'm really happy I have. I don't know I imagined people to be mean to newcomers or something, but everyone has been so nice. I just woke up from not enough sleep, I am sipping on Green Tea right now with 1 packet of splenda. I've been hearing negative things about Splenda, which makes me so sad because I love the stuff. I have a bunch of stuff to do today, some of it outside chores and such and it's freaking pouring rain right now. It's been pouring for a while now, I'm getting so sick of rain. I'm going to give it half an hour and if the rain doesn't let up I'll just have to go out in this weather (and probably catch a cold in the meantime). I realized that I never decide what I should eat each day, I wake up thinking "the least amount of cals as possible", but never plan. So I'm making a plan right now, and my plan is to hopefully fast. And if I can't fast then I will either have raw veggies or low cal soup. I do have four pounds to lose this week and you don't get that way with eating random shit. 1 comment|post comment

[21 Feb 2005|02:16am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | blonde redhead ] long time no post. my weigh skyrocketed up to almost 130. i've managed to get it back down to about 114. thats just not good enough, it never will be, but i want to be under 110. i don't want that second 1 on the scale, fuck i don't even want that first 1 there. i need to join some ana communities, get more active, try to get into the swing of things. 2 comments|post comment

[31 Oct 2004|01:36pm] i feel like i'm holding onto everything in my life with the skin of my teeth. friendships, school, disorders, family, relationships, everything. i'm struggling with school. but i can't tell anyone that. sometimes i get scared. that i'm not smart enough or dedicated enough to ever get anywhere in college. what if it's just a dead-end? i should know what i'm going for by now. but i don't. it's so scary to not know what you want in life. my friendships are going bad. my best friend is a complete nut-case. friendships aren't supposed to be how ours is. last night i had a fight with my boyfriend, not a fight but disagreement, might i add the first one ever. so i left her for like 15 minutes and when i came back she was pissed. not making eye contact with me, or anything. it was ridiculous. one word sums that up: SELFISH. i have a horrible headache from drinking last night. i really hate alcohol. it's a not a problem with me, i just hate when i get too far drunk, i hate how my actions are and how it affects my head. i was supposed to fast this weekend, but instead i've been eating sandwiches, cheese and crackers, waffles, and candy :( monday after i eat breakfast i am fasting and restricting as well as i possibly can. i almost got to 110. but noo i'm probably back up to 114 now. me and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 months got into our first arguement last night. i really don't know what to think about it. it's just that things changed in the past few days. and he didn't pick me up last night like he usually does, so i drove to where he was. and he said hello to me, but it wasn't the kind of welcome i usually get from him. and he ignored me pretty much for the first hour i was there. so i got drunk with his friends. i saw him a little later and told him that i thought he was ignoring me and didn't want me there. he said something like no how could you think that. and i just said well because you seem like it. and so i just walked away from him and went into the other room because if someone doesn't see whats bothering you then whats the point? so i hung out for a while later then he took me outside and talked to me. it was cute that he wanted to lay things out for me. but he still doesn't get it. it's easy to talk about how you feel about someone, but if you don't show it then all those words don't matter. i just dont know what to think about it. today better go better. post comment

things are getting too real [31 Oct 2004|01:34pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | le tigre ] i had to start my own private lj. i just need somewhere that i can openly write down my thoughts without fear of my friends reading it. all names/initials are changed. i just need my own space. welcome to it. post comment

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